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  Bianca

  Bianca

  A novel

  Mohammed Abdelaziz

  Cover design: Mohammed A. Aziz

  Special thanks to:canvas.com

  This book is dedicated to those who are still in search for themselves, in search for their souls, their fates, their purpose in this huge cruel world ……

  Original Arabic version dedication:

  To whoever gets touched even if by a single word from the following,

  Yes, this novel is for you only….

  -1-

  "Sarah"

  Tick tock, Tick tock, Tick tock..

  She stopped ticking on the table after her fingers started to hurt.. Out of all the things she hated in her life, she hated waiting the most.. Waiting for her mum to come take her back from school.. Waiting for her dad to come take her to the ballet practice.. Waiting for exam results to appear, and finally, waiting for “Magdy” to come and take her away..

  The first 30 minutes passed without her even noticing.. She was so excited because she was sure he’d show up.. And more important, because someone out there cared enough for her.. But in the next 60 minutes she started to feel worried when he didn’t show up.. And even worse, didn’t return her calls..

  While the hour hands were announcing she was spending her second hour in café “Bianca” without him appearing, she started to feel anxious.. Calling him for the fourth time didn’t bring any good news. Just that cold ringing on the other side without anyone answering the call.. she feared to call him again because she didn’t want to appear too childish or having nothing better to do than calling him again within 2 minutes, so she grabbed out her small mirror, looked at herself for a couple of seconds, then started to put some powder and lipstick trying to cover her miserable looks ..

  She looked in discomfort at the tea cup that she hadn’t touched yet, then looked at her suitcase feeling uneasy.. This day was supposed to be a good memory in the future.. If everything went well, “Magdy” was supposed to come, Take her, and then travel together to another country where they will get married and start their new life together..

  One of their main reasons to run away was her stepfather who thought that he owned her and wouldn’t allow their marriage.. Well, the old bastard will have to rethink about his authorities over her life..

  Her stepfather..? That would be another story added to her (why I want to run away) list.. She remembered his filthy stares at her, and his dirty touches when her mum wasn’t around.. She recalled the bad memories and felt the pain all over again and.. Stop it..!!

  She shook her head strongly, thinking that this page had ended, and a new page in her life is about to start.. Hopefully a better one.. Sure she felt a little bit scared and a little bit worried, but that was normal.. Any normal human being is supposed to feel that way when about to leave his/her whole life behind and start a new one, right..?

  She remembered her dear mum, who probably wouldn’t miss her that much.. She would probably be delighted that she got rid of “Sarah” without any effort done from her.. At least “Sarah” thought that her mum won’t miss her in the times she was sober..

  She grabbed the café’s menu when she saw the waiter coming near her table, because she felt guilty for sitting there for almost two hours and ordering just two drinks, and not even finishing one of them..

  Her eyes ran over the names in the menu wondering what to order next, and before her eyes, lined the names in a neat writing: Frappuccino, ice mocha, or just plain Nescafe..? She felt that the first two drinks were too fancy for her right now..

  - Cherry coke please...

  Didn't know why she ordered that.. She felt that maybe a cold drink would make her feel better..

  - .. With a cup of ice please...

  She found herself continuing fast, Cause she didn't stand to drink from the can directly.. The waiter walked away smiling after writing down her order, leaving her alone facing a monster feeding on her soul, that was her mind..

  Her boss at work “Mahmoud”..?

  Mmm.. Her disappearance would probably be the best thing he had heard of for a while, as he wasn't on her fan list unfortunately, because he didn’t like that she kept pushing him away unlike the other girls at work.. She smiled over the thought of the change happening to all these lives on just one simple change happening: “Sarah” disappearing forever. But where was her knight that will take her on his white horse..? That was the question to ask..

  She looked around for a couple of seconds, thinking how weird that café was.. Even the name was weird in a charming way.

  Everything in the place was old fashioned.. The curtains.. The chairs and the tables.. Those old advertisements hanging on the walls, among which was one about new French cigarettes with long filter for your health.. The next one was about a French lipstick that will make your lips ready for kisses.. That last one made her burst into laughs the moment she saw it, and finally there was that one about a cough syrup in a fancy antique bottle that made it look like wine or something, and not just an innocent medicine ..All this gave the place its old lovely identity.. That was why she wanted to come here for one last time before leaving Cairo forever..

  She raised the blue silk curtains to take a look through the window, and glanced at the people passing by.. Walking.. Talking.. Smiling, or glooming, while a French song (Probably French, she didn’t know a single word in French, but the words seemed French enough for her) playing from the old record player in the corner (what was the name of that thing..?)

  What she didn’t know was how much that song was a perfect match for her story. Had she known that, she would’ve made a little more effort to understand it ..

  ***

  Maybe someplace else

  There’s a woman

  With a heart overwhelmed by joy

  Like me

  And with a blissful gesture she lifts

  The blue silk curtain

  Like me

  Looks down

  Her love will come along

  And take her in his arms

  Like me

  She’s waiting for her lover

  The eyes of her lover

  The arms of her lover

  Like me…….

  Edith Piaf.. comme moi

  ***

  She took another sip of her coke while looking at the large clock in the corner... 2.20..

  She called him again (was that the fifth time..?) and again she got the same answer: no answer at all.. Just cold ringing on the other side.. she put her cell phone down and looked at the freckles of ice floating on the surface of her coke, while the song -that she didn’t understand a word from- continued..

  ***

  Her hand in her hair

  Like me

  Maybe she pins

  A flower to her chest

  And then looks at the clock

  Like me

  She thinks of her lover

  Of her lover’s eyes

  Of her lover’s arms

  Like me

  And maybe even

  She will hear

  Her heart beating faster and then

  Like me

  She will want to cry

  When hearing a footstep on the stairs

  Like me…

  Edith Piaf.. Comme moi

  ***

  But unfortunately, it wasn’t him.. It was a guy in his mid-thirties, that walked towards that hot blond girl sitting near.. “Sarah” found herself thinking again about “Magdy”, while looking through the window again.. Maybe if she was as nice looking as that blond he wouldn’t have been that late on her..? She secretly looked at the blond thinking: maybe if she took care of herself and dressed nice like that girl, she would’ve appeared more attractive to him..?
She felt that her brown dress was far as hell from that.. She took a look after that to the lady in the blue jacket and jeans sitting by herself in the other corner.. “Sarah” saw her before more than once at the coiffeur she used to go to.. According to her information, she was married to a handsome man and had a couple of lovely kids. A happy ideal family as far as she knew.. "Sarah" found herself thinking that, maybe, if she had a caring family like that she wouldn't have thought of running away like this?

  Maybe after all she was just too clingy or annoying for "Magdy" to stand?

  Maybe she did something stupid that made him change his mind about showing up on time, or even worse, not showing at all..? She raised her eyes for a couple of seconds to look at the other customers, then decided to call him again..

  Ring ring ring.. Still no answer..!!

  She wouldn't call him from a new number that he didn't know because she didn't want to face the possibility of him avoiding to return her calls on purpose, as that would be too much for her to stand.. Let her act like she had more important things to do than calling him again..

  She put her cell phone aside, And was about to look through the window when she realized that the waiter was looking at her again, which made her feel a little uneasy.. After all, she was sitting for a long time. A lemon juice would be better this time, right..?

  Waiting for her new order to come, she found her hands grabbing her cell phone again, feeling furious at "Magdy” because he put her in that situation.. She dialed his number again and:

  - The cell phone you are trying to reach may be switched off or unavailable....

  The cold mechanic voice answered her, so she placed the cell phone aside feeling horrified..

  Maybe he got bored and decided not to come at all..?!

  Or even worse: he found someone better..!!

  Sexier..?!

  Smarter..?!

  She tried to think about something else to prevent her mind from dealing with those thoughts, So she grabbed that novel she started reading yesterday, and decided to read a couple of pages before calling him again ..But words just kept running before her eyes with no meaning at all.. Five whole minutes passed before she finally realized that she was still struggling to understand - uselessly - the first sentence. Not a single word passed through her brain..

  Rereading it again and again hoping to understand it, and hopefully go to the next sentence didn’t make a difference.. Just meaningless letters lined next to each other, staring at her.. She put the novel aside after she finally realized that she wasn't in the mood for reading.. She stared at the glass of water in front of her blankly, then at her suitcase anxiously..

  When she raised her eyes to look at the people around her again, her eyes met that young girl's eyes. The young girl smiled and waved at her, before ignoring her completely after that blonde waitress put the cup of ice cream in front of her.. The fat waiter then arrived with “Sarah’s lemon juice, before leaving to take the next table's order. The one with two guys arguing. She took a sip from the cold refreshing drink that made her calm a little bit..

  She looked at the reflection appearing in the large mirror that took a whole wall.. She stared at the corner where her reflection was supposed to be, to find it dull, almost negligible among other reflections around it.. Just like she had always been all her life.. Boring.. Dull..

  How many lives have passed before this mirror? And how many of them were having their worst moments like her..?

  She looked at her watch to find it 2.50.. He probably won't appear. Not after all this time.. No need to be stupid enough to wait for him to show up now. Possible scenarios wouldn't exceed two: either he decided to leave her, or something happened to him. Same result in both cases..

  And with her normal luck, the first possibility was more to believe.. After all, He won't be different from all those who left her through her life.. Starting with her dad who left her with a drunk mother, and ending by the bastard named "Magdy" that she’d been waiting for.. Waiting till dust and spiders covered her.. Sun rises and sets and she’d still be waiting.

  The scariest point here was that she’d return to her boring life that she thought she’d escaped finally.. Waking up every day at 7.30 to catch the subway and reach her “lovely” work at exactly 9.00, For the curtains rise for every day’s play. Where she should have to stand a non-ending number of absurdities from her pretending-to-be-young old lumpish boss, and her pretending-to-be-charming stupid work mates..

  No...!! Over her dead body.. She wouldn’t return to that life whatever happened.. Jumping in front of the first passing bus would be a more merciful fate..

  But a huge problem was that things weren’t that easy.. She couldn’t just go back to her old boring life even if she wanted to.. Not with that dead body on the kitchen floor.. But that's not important now. Let’s check the next table where an interesting story was happening at the same time..

  ****

  -2 -

  "Nadine"

  What good use does love have?

  We’re always being told

  These senseless fairytales

  What use does loving have?

  Love can’t explain itself!

  It’s just something like that!

  That comes from God knows where

  And takes you by the hair.

  Edith Piaf.. A quoi ca sert l'amour

  ****

  Didn't understand any word from the song playing, but she guessed that it was probably Spanish. That café was weird indeed.. Why don't they just play normal songs.. ? Trying to be classy or something..?

  Then she found herself thinking about her case.. At least she still had her hair and body, and had the ability to listen to songs, which won't last for two more weeks.. Her case will get worse That she won't be able to have her body or senses in their normal shape.. She won't even have the strength then to commit suicide.. And even worse, she wasn't ready for the torture surrounding her in the scene of the clock's arms running, taking from her life account.. One month.. Three weeks.. Two weeks.. Then...?

  She was almost feeling the tumor feeding on her soul as much as it was feeding on her body..

  She looked for a second at the laboratory results bitterly.. Theoretically and based on these results, she only had two more weeks to live from now..

  - Would you like to order something miss..?

  The waiter asked her smiling.. She looked at the menu as if she was still thinking about it, while she already knew what she would order.. She ordered it every time she came here..

  - Hot chocolate.. With lots of milk and no sugar please..

  He walked away silently leaving her to her worst enemy: her own thoughts..

  Why didn't she do it herself..? Smart question indeed.. Maybe because she wasn’t brave enough.. In the last moment before pulling the trigger or jumping off a building or cutting her wrist, she gets scared and moves her hand away, or climbs down the top of the building, but if she made a deal with a hit man like the one she was about to do now, then it won't be her thing to control.. The bullet that will crack her skull or the car that will hit her will come Unexpectedly.. If we set aside that this thought made shivers run down her back, and that all this was total insanity, she found the whole idea a charming one.. Death will come knocking her door shortly, to take down the curtains finishing that boring play of her life.. Will there be any applauds..?

  She wasn't that afraid of death itself, as much as she was afraid of what would be coming next.. After the grave is closed on her lifeless body.. What is next..? Where will her soul or conscious or whatever that thing to be questioned about her deeds go..? Assuming it was going somewhere from the first place..

  She didn't bring the idea from nowhere.. She saw it a while ago in an old American comic story.. In a series called (shock suspenstories) .. The girl in that story had the same reasons to want to commit suicide, and like her, she asked for help.. But the girl in the story was luckier than "Nadine".. It turned out t
hat the results were wrong and she will live, a good luck that we couldn't accuse "Nadine" of having.. Every time she repeated the tests she got the same results..

  The weird thing was that she started feeling pity, mostly on herself.. Pity that she didn't do everything she wished to do.. That she didn't tell a boy that she liked him because she was afraid of looking slutty.. That she didn't eat everything she craved because she was afraid of ending up fat like her mum.. That she didn't treat many people like they deserved because she was afraid of looking cold hearted.

  She looked towards the cafe's door for a second when she noticed someone entering, but obviously he wasn't the one she was waiting for, because she found him heading towards another empty table.. A handsome guy.. Mid-thirties probably..? She watched him as he took out a small notebook the moment he sat, and started writing in it right away..

  She decided that she looked enough at him.. Looking more than that would be too obvious.. She looked at the TV in the corner, but it was on the news.. Something about finding the dead body of a guy in his forties.. Didn't seem an interesting subject to her, so she looked away..

  She took out her favorite biscuit from her purse, and started eating eat with the hot chocolate that finally came.. Good thought came to her head that she could still taste all this.. In a couple of weeks she won't.. Wasn't that a happy thing to think about..?

  She took another sip of her drink, letting the soothing taste of the chocolate go through her body, trying to stop her brain from thinking.. But the bastard wouldn't stop, just like her eyes wouldn't stop looking at the people sitting around her.. The woman sitting with her young girl.. The lonely brown haired girl sitting next to the window.. The handsome guy who didn't stop writing since he came.. She found herself looking again at the woman with the daughter.. She thought that, maybe , if she had someone depending on her like that little girl, she wouldn't have made a selfish act like the one she was about to do now..?